really, when i see images like this, i can't help but think about anti-abortion protesters waving around pictures of your dead baby. and i think it's pretty highly offensive to 'disgust' someone into agreeing with you.

as far as i can tell, PETA is just kind of a well-meaning peice of shit.  i’ve been thinking on and sort of tinkering with writing about PETA for a while, months, even, but eventually, i just came to the conclusion that other people have said everything i want to say much more effectively, and that you should read some of the things these other people have to say.  and, yeah, clicking on links and reading twenty different articles can be kind of annoying, but really, i think talking about, or reading about, this kind of stuff is pretty worthwhile.  so just shut yer gob and do it.  you’ll thank me later.  probably.    

~~~~~    

PETA and breed specific legislation, whatwhat!:    

 http://www.workingpitbull.com/truthaboutpeta.htm    

 “People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals can easily be defined as radical. Instead of working to educate people to their ideas, they try in various ways to force their personal opinions upon the public. They do this through shock tactics such as assaulting people or businesses which have different ideas or practices from their own extreme beliefs.  While their actions may bring attention to their ideas, they create a hostile attitude toward legitimate animal welfare work.”    

 http://www.realpitbull.com/peta.html    

 (ingrid newkirk, in the article accessible through the above link, applauds the breed ban on pit bulls in specific areas.  what’s my problem with this?  first of all, breed bans on one breed and one breed only?  that’s discrimination.  it’s cool to breed labs but not pits?  no fuckin’ way.  second of all, you are treating a symptom and not the cause – you think a breed ban is going to stop the assholes who fight these dogs in the first place?  ’cause banning dog fighting totally stopped that shit, and now banning breeding will most certainly keep people from breeding these dogs in their backyards… give me a fuckin’ break.  third… banning shit, in my opinion, is sort of fascist.  not a fan of telling people what to do over here.)    

 ~~~~~    

 these here links are articles about PETA and feminism (and, yeah, i mostly think PETA is pretty fuckin’ anti-feminist):    

 http://www.thefword.org.uk/blog/2008/03/fuck_you_peta    

 http://www.portlandmercury.com/portland/feminists-vs-peta/Content?oid=1609061    

 “As PETA President Ingrid Newkirk prepared to speak at Powell’s Books on Tuesday, August 18, a dozen Portland feminists were crouched on the sidewalk a block away, drawing up large protest signs. The loosely knit Portland Feminist Action League organized the “flash protest” via the internet, criticizing PETA for its ‘sexist and offensive’ animal rights campaigns. PETA’s protests have featured nude women in cages, and most recently, the organization produced a billboard that pictured a fat woman in a bikini that read, ‘Save the whales! Lose the blubber. Go vegetarian.’    

 ‘A lot of us are vegan and vegetarian and actually support what PETA is trying to do,’ explained protest organizer Erin Fairchild as she finished writing out a sign reading, ‘PETA can kiss my big fat vegetarian ass!’    

 ‘We’d just like them to stop relying on sexism to get their message across,’ Fairchild added.”    

how is it than anyone might think this isn't highly offensive??? "hey look, fattie, stop eating meat and you won't be such a fat piece of shit, because people who are 'fat' are pieces of shit!' thanks, PETA. i almost forgot i've been subconsciously struggling with body image issues most of my life because i don't look like pamela anderson or kate moss. i needed a reminder.

 http://www.allacademic.com//meta/p_mla_apa_research_citation/2/4/2/2/2/pages242225/p2422251.php “…we examine two advertisements produced by the international nonprofit organization, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA).   One of the advertisements is a billboard intended to promote vegetarianism and the other a print ad encouraging an end to seal hunting in Canada. Using these images as  examples, we will investigate and demonstrate how a rejection of feminism actually bolsters the oppression of animals and subverts these campaigns.  Broadly, we argue that an AR campaign that does not embrace the eradication of all forms of oppression cannot achieve its goals.”  

  ~~~~~  

 now, let us consider:  is PETA racist?  me thinks they may indeed be kinda racist.   if not racist, than at least really fucking culturally insensitive to the point of being absurdly ignorant given the fact that they are such a ‘radical’ organization.  here’s some stuff about all that:  

 http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2009/02/10/peta-racism-goes-into-overload/  

 http://blog.elizabethkateswitaj.net/2009/02/peta-racism-and-eugenics/  

http://majikthise.typepad.com/majikthise_/2005/08/peta_wrong_but_.html 

“It’s callous to think that you can use racially charged images without opening wounds, even if you’re using them to make a non-racist argument. Perhaps PETA is being racist for pulling the earlier Holocaust campaign but refusing to pull the Slavery campaign. If PETA cares less about the feelings of lynching survivors like Dr. Cameron than it does about those of Holocaust survivors, that’s racist. However, it may be that PETA pulled the first ad because its opponents raised a bigger backlash. PETA deserves to be criticized for being insensitive, and inept, but not for being racist.”  

 http://stevegilliard.blogspot.com/2005/08/so-you-were-almost-lynched-big-deal.html  

 ~~~~~  

 yeah, so, i’m not a fan of PETA.  after looking through some of this stuff, are you?  

Click here to get a login…

Even her friend looks mortified.

Now, I don’t agree with everything PETA does or says, but the fur industry is nasty, brutal and cruel. There is no reason why anyone should buy or wear fur. Period.

Also, it gets my hackles up when people attempt to condone animal cruelty by pointing out the myriad ways in which living beings as a whole are made to suffer on this planet. “I may be wearing fur but people are starving/being exploited/contracting HIV!” Yes, and it’s all the fault of animal rights activists because they clearly don’t have the capacity to care about human life as well.

I’m not at leisure this moment to pick apart Kelis’ letter, but that’s okay because, typos aside, Simone Reyes does a pretty good job of it here and reminds us of this gem from Alice Walker:

“The animals of the world exist for their own reasons.  They were not made for humans any more than black people were made for white, or women created for men.”

~~~~~

so, a while back, a friend posted this video on facebook.  it’s really, really hard to watch – i can’t imagine anyone with any kind of feeling not getting a little verklempt after watching a video in which calves are horribly abused at a slaughterhouse.  still, though it is really difficult to watch stuff like this, and it’s much, much easier just to put it out of your mind since we are so far removed from what we eat so much of the time… i think it’s important to keep in mind what, exactly, goes on behind the scenes – where, exactly, is it that what we let into our lives, what we consume, comes from? – and i’m glad i watched it.  it got me thinking.  and eventually, to writing.

i first cut meat out of my diet when i was 14.  my step-father was an officer with fort bend county animal control in rosenberg, texas… or maybe it was richmond, texas… it was one of those little suburban communities on the outskirts of houston.  i volunteered with my step-father at the animal control office.  i cleaned kennels.  i rehabilitated baby squirrels and baby raccoons and baby birds and baby iguanas.  we fostered those cats and dogs that were out of time at the shelter so that they wouldn’t be euthanized.  sometimes, i went on calls with him over the weekend – once, this resulted in our having a young alligator in our bathtub for a couple of days, because my step-father was insane and hoarded animals.  no joke.  i don’t remember, when, exactly, i made the decision, or what really got me set on being vegetarian.  i just have a jumble of memories… not only all the ‘good’ stuff, like rehabilitating and cleaning and feeding and playing with puppies, but also stuff that still kind of makes me uncomfortable or sad, like watching my step-father euthanize dogs in between cleaning kennels, or cutting the heads off of wild animals to send to the rabies lab, or  killing rats by swinging them by their tails against the fire place to break their necks and feed them to our snakes.  i feel like i just didn’t see any difference between eating pork chops and eating one of our chows, and i eventually just got really turned off by all the violence behind eating meat.  it definitely wasn’t a ‘political’ move on my part – i knew very, very little at that time about what went on in slaughterhouses, or how dairy cows were treated… none of that stuff.  it just kind of felt weird and hurt-y to my tender young heart-and-brains (i am so, so very emotional, folks, and PROUD OF IT!) and i didn’t want to eat something if it made me feel bad to do so.

i don’t remember eating meat again for a really, really long time… i do remember, during either my junior or senior year of high school, deciding to become vegan, and being really militant about it for three months or so.  i was a member of my high school’s thespian troupe, and during this time, we went to corpus christi for a thespian convention.  apparently, every year prior to that year, the troupe would head out to corpus, and about half way there, would stop at this restaurant that sold home-made beef jerky.  so, the tradition continued… and we stopped at the restaurant… and there were taxidermied animals EVERYWHERE.  and i was disgusted.  at the time, i was really pretty much of the opinion that people shouldn’t eat meat, period, and i stood outside insulting the people entering and exiting the restaurant, in front of my theater teacher, ms. hibbert.  those shenanigans actually inspired the personal essay i wrote when i applied to the university of houston (so i suppose this all must have been during my senior year), and i very distinctly remember writing something about being just as appalled by the scene at the restaurant as i would have been had all the dead animals actually been stuffed dead people.  which i now feel is a little over-zealous, but it was a pretty accurate description of my feelings at the time – like i said, i didn’t think anyone should eat meat.

~~~~~

my god, the MONOTONY!  will she ever get to the point???  just hang in there, folks.  here’s another picture – one of my favorite vegan cook books:

now that we’ve all rested our eyes…

~~~~~

since starting college in 2001, maybe even before that, i have eaten meat, on and off, throughout certain periods in my life.  i still call myself a vegetarian, mostly because it’s easier than telling people i sometimes can’t stop thinking about hamburgers and i eventually have to eat one or i might DIE.  and that’s really where the problem is, for me, i suppose… this is really what watching that video made me think about – why did i chose to stop eating meat, to become vegan, in the first place?  why do i eat meat now?  do i want to eat meat?  i have this very, very strong urge to become vegan, and at the same time, i don’t take any steps toward cutting dairy out of my diet completely.  or, i’ll go to the grocery store and not buy anything with any animal products in it, but a week later i’m buying wool yarn and i figure, what the hell?  might as well eat some cheese… and then i’m secretly stuffing beef jerky in my mouth at four in the morning, wondering just where the hell i stand on all of this and when the hell i’m going to make up my mind…  i’m living all by myself for the first time (and loving it, people, loving it), and this means, basically, i no longer have roommates who pity me for my inability to cook for myself or grocery shop in some sort of sensical fashion and thus provide for me dietarily.  no, i have to learn how to cook for myself, outside all of the baking… so i suppose now’s the time to decide.

so, what’s the deal?  why is anyone vegan in the first place?  or vegetarian, for that matter?  gina sent me an email containing a link to a book review of jonathan safran foer’s eating animals…

am i going too far with this? then quit complaining and read the damn blog.

i think this sums up one perspective pretty nicely – a lot of people are vegan/vegetarian because they think it’s wrong to kill and eat animals, period, the end:

From the outset, Foer’s perspective seems as one-sided as PETA’s; readers have little doubt that he has not only decided on vegetarianism, but wants to proselytize about it. That can make the book a tough read for someone like me, and I’m probably Foer’s target audience: an animal lover who also happens to find carnivory deeply satisfying, perhaps even on a primal level. Reading it on my couch while eating pork tacos as my 90-pound Doberman rested his head in my lap, I wanted to drop the book when I got to Foer’s Swiftian argument that what I really should’ve been eating was my dog. His point is to set up dogs as no more intelligent — and therefore no more deserving of affection and protection — than livestock. “Can the familiarity of the animals we have come to know as companions be a guide to us as we think about the animals we eat?” he writes.

(just so everyone knows… i hate PETA.  they support breed-specific legislation, and they use sexist advertising, and they SUCK.  you should write them and tell them you hate them and will not support anything they do ever.  here’s a link, so you can go on and do that.  do it.)

this way of thinking about ‘carnivory’ certainly sounds familiar to me… but it’s not necessarily how i feel about it anymore.  there’s still a big part of me that is turned off by the violence behind killing an animal, no matter how well it’s treated before and during the act.  that’s not to say that killing plants to eat them isn’t just as violent – i think it is.  but plants don’t look like us the way animals do.  they don’t bleed like us, they don’t have vocal chords or eyeballs or muscles…  so there’s a certain sort of emotional, knee-jerk reaction i have to the killing of an animal that is completely different to the reaction i have to the killing of a plant.  right?  i mean, you rip a plant out of the ground, and it doesn’t scream or twitch or shit itself.  so, yeah, i get what foer’s talking about.  but at the same time, i don’t believe in proselytizing about it.  it’s a personal choice, whether or not you eat meat, and if you’re doing it with compassion (because, believe it or not, the way you treat other beings totally effects your life, even if you aren’t directly responsible for their suffering), i’m good with that.  animals eat other animals, and we’re animals.  it’s not moral or immoral.  it’s just the way the world is.

i can thus comfortably say i’m not morally opposed to the act of eating meat in theory… but that i am perhaps slightly opposed to doing it myself because it feels like an act of violence to me.  check.  but there’s another side to this, too.  would i feel as though the act of killing and eating an animal were as violent as i do if i weren’t aware of what happens in slaughterhouses, weren’t aware of how we treat our livestock, weren’t aware of how we treat the people who work in slaughterhouses?  that’s another perspective – i think there are plenty of people in the world who chose to be either vegan or vegetarian because the industry itself sucks a big one, and i am DEFINITELY in that camp.  even if i decided to stop calling myself a vegetarian and embrace omnivory, i would definitely be very careful about what i ate.  none of this eating shit from taco bell, you know… definitely only humanely-raised cows and chickens and such for me, thank you.

but wait a second…  in our country, consumers aren’t really provided a lot of information, are they?  take the term ‘cage-free’ – what does that mean, exactly?  what am i buying when i buy cage-free eggs?

in doing a google search of the term ‘cage-free,’ this image popped up… this   isn’t necessarily the image i personally have in my head of what it means for hens to be kept cage-free.  i mean, this seems like it could potentially be better, but there’s no natural light, they’re probably still pooping all over each other and fighting all the time… i have a pretty strong concept of personal space.  what i mean by this is that i value, highly, my personal space, and i am relatively conscious of allowing people into my personal space.  i want to maintain the ability to control my surroundings.  i want to have a spot where i feel comfortable sitting around in my underwear and being a total slob if i want to be.  maintaining my personal space, the bubble i keep up between myself and others, though it may vary depending on who i’m interacting with, and what the interaction looks like, allows me to feel safe, it allows me to feel comfortable, and it allows me to recharge, to replenish myself.  i don’t know a lot about what personal space means to a chicken, but i have a hard time imagining any living thing being happy in a situation such as the one pictured above.  plants won’t grow if they’re packed in too tightly, right?  there’s no where to go.  there’s no where to get away.  the boundaries between yourself and the things, or people, around you start to blur and you can’t thrive because you’re lost.  maybe i’m getting too deep into all of this.  i understand that people have a tendency to project a lot of their psychological stuff onto animals, and i understand that i do this.  so maybe i’m putting too much onto these little chickens, and they’re totally happy living like this.  but i have a really hard time believing that this is the case…

according to the humane society of the united states:

… Because of public opposition to battery cage confinement, many egg producers are switching to cage-free systems. While these systems generally offer hens a higher level of animal welfare than do battery cage systems, the mere absence of cages doesn’t necessarily ensure a high level of welfare.

… Cage-free hens are spared several cruelties that are inherent to battery cage systems. But it would nevertheless be a mistake to consider cage-free facilities to necessarily be “cruelty-free.” Here are some of the more typical sources of animal suffering associated with cage-free egg production:

• Cage-free farms typically buy their hens from the same hatcheries that supply battery-cage farms. These hatcheries kill the male chicks upon hatching—more than 200 million each year in the United States alone.
• Most cage-free hens have part of their beaks burned off, a painful mutilation.
• Hens are typically slaughtered at less than two years old, far less than half their normal lifespan. They are often transported long distances to slaughter plants with no food or water.
• While the vast majority of the battery and cage-free egg industry no longer uses starvation to force molt the birds, there are battery and cage-free producers alike who still use this practice.

so… phrases like ‘cage-free’ and ‘humanely-raised…’ they’re kind of bullshit, right?  i think they’re designed to make us think we’re actually purchasing animal products that are produced in this way that lines up with the lofty ideals in our heads around how they should be produced, or to make us feel better when we aren’t actually really doing a damn thing.  ‘look at me!  i purchase cage-free eggs!  i’m a good person and i care about things other than myself!’  but really, they’re not that much better.  they’re a step up, these practices, for sure.  but they still suck a lot.  (i sound a lot like i’m judging all of this pretty harshly.  and i am judging it harshly.  still… i’m stating, for the record, that i do not judge people who eat meat or don’t buy cage-free eggs harshly…  unless you’re an ignorant asshole.  then i’m judging you harshly.  if you’re a decent person who puts a modicum of thought behind the actions you take, then i have a lot of respect for you, and i might sometimes tell you i think you should buy cage-free eggs instead of those awful regular ones, but i won’t get up on my soap-box too often, and i’ll love you just as much as i would if you were the most compassionate person on earth.  i mean, the fact of the matter is… our ability to be compassionate in making purchases is regulated by our economic status, and we aren’t all bill gates, right?  our ability to make compassionate choices is also determined by the information our government deigns worthy of us, as the robotic masses that we are… so, hey, i get it – it’s not all always within our reach, and sometimes we have to work hard at getting by instead of working hard at finding ways to live compassionately on the cheap and pressuring our government to be vaguely moral.  i’m poor and uneducated, too.)

so, as i was saying…  the conclusion i inevitably come to in all of this, no matter how much time i take to deliberate back and forth and run myself in circles, is this:

1.  it’s not cool not to care about the welfare of the world around you.  you can totally dislike animals all you want, but they are living things, and they should be treated with as much respect and care as we can give them, even if we’re going to kill and eat them;

2. i don’t put a lot of faith in these labels that seem to indicate that something is more compassionate than it is… and i think maybe i just don’t feel comfortable buying shit from the grocery store that comes from an animal because i don’t actually really know what went into getting it to my shopping cart.  WHAT AM I EATING!?!?!  if i could afford to sign up for the CSA and buy eggs that were produced by a local farmer… i would.  maybe now, though, since i can’t do that, i should stick to eat non-processed foods as much as humanly possible.  fruits and veggies and beans and the like.  and i think, despite the fact that i have these insane cravings and i go berserk all over a steak and whatever on occasion, i can get myself to stick to that;

and

3. i don’t really, deep down, feel good about contributing in anyway to any business that hurts living things.  even though this means i have to keep my cheese cravings in check, and even though it means i might just have to wait until i have my own little herds of alpaca and goats and sheep to knit again with wool… i’m willing to make that sacrifice, because… well, if we can’t treat the things we use with care, how is it that we can treat each other with care?  maybe this sounds like new age bullshit to a lot of people, but i just don’t want that energy in my life.  i want the energy in my life to be as positive as it possibly can be.

yup, that’s right.  starting yesterday – i’m totally vegan, bitches.

First of all, euthanasia is defined as “easy death” and occurring in a “relatively painless way as an act of mercy”. The accusation that the man neglectfully, cruelly, and dishonestly, chose instead to kill Oreo using a drug called “Fatal Plus” (the brand name, not the actual drug name of Sodium Pentobarbital) is misleading and manipulative. You can be upset that the dog was euthanized rather than transferred to a no kill facility, but please, make your argument solid by representing facts instead of bias.

I take personal offense at the statement that large shelters are in reality staffed by those who would rather “perpetuate the violence and betrayal by killing”. As a staff member responsible for performing euthanasia, I can tell you that euthanasia is never easy, far from enjoyable and an unfortunate reality for many of these shelters.  We are an open admission shelter (unlike no-kill facilities). Which means, we never turn an animal away. Because we choose (and yes, it is a choice) to evaluate animals and not rehome -or allow the animal to spend the rest of its life in a kennel as can happen at no-kill facilities- for aggression, we are able to take in on average 65 healthy, behaviorally sound dogs and puppies per week. Dogs and puppies that were facing euthanasia at other shelters due to lack of space and resources. I agree that everyone has a right to their own opinion, but starting a smear campaign against an animal welfare organization due to a difference in philosophy only leads to a further lack of public support, ultimately resulting in more euthanasia decisions. Until there is not an animal shelter left in the country who daily faces euthanasia of perfectly easy and rehomeable animals, I will defend the decision to euthanize aggression rather than transfer to another facility. Once every behaviorally sound dog/cat/ferret/parrot/rat/rabbit has a home, then the animal welfare community should begin making those great strides in behavior modification and rehabilitation.

“The soap bases I use are natural and vegan – No animal products, animal testing, detergents, sulfates or sugar solutions. I’ve been obsessed with finding quality, great ingredient soaps. I found a high quality source of soap base and combined two interests: A love of all things geeky and a love of being clean.”

Awesome. In case you are thinking of giving these as gifts, order by December 5th if you want them in time for Christmas.

Looking for a fun holiday gift project? Even if you’re not a DDR fan, this handbag is pretty cool (it even says so right on it!) and not to difficult to make.

The creator of this bag, Liz McLean Knight, also makes cute jewelry out of computer hardware-not sure if she recycling old, used parts, but the point is that a person could if they wanted to-as far as I know anyway.

Just came across this book and I am so very, very excited! Excited enough that I had to share right away. 

Even though I don’t have as much time for this kind of thing as I would like, I really do enjoy making stuff and typically when I get down to sewing something, it starts out as a purse. It may not end up as a purse, but hopefully this book will remedy that -once I get my hands on a copy, that is. Until then, I will continue to be inspired by other creative folks who are making awesome bags out of some interesting materials:

Sailcloth bags-said to be incredibly sturdy. I love their summery look. This skull bag is my favorite.

Construction netting- cute, structured bags available at maliadesigns.com. Bonus: proceeds go to fight human trafficking and increase economic opportunities for women.

Juice packets- colorful and fun, these items are constructed of 100% recycled materials and assembled by workers who earn a fair wage.

Vintage fabric- not too surprising in terms of the materials used, but I threw these Kim White bags in because they are adorable and reversible.

Finally, here’s a video on how to repurpose old books into cute purses. Enjoy!

Starting with the ensemble on the far left- I was able to find an organic cotton dress from SUST that works great for this look. Since it lacks the sparkly embellishment that makes HD’s dress, let’s add this fun vintage brooch from Michelle’s Vintage for a little bling. (Did I just type the word “bling”?)  Moving on…for HD’s croc print clutch, I decided to go a little smaller, and chose this pleated, snake print clutch by Shiraleah available at Alternative Outfitters.

The shoes are somewhat more problematic-not because I couldn’t find a non-leather equivalent, because I did find a perfect imitation. The fact that this dead ringer is only $8 is trouble because I’m guessing that the workers who assemble cheap knock-offs of Jimmy Choos for online strip club wear outlets probably don’t earn a living wage. Just a hunch. So I had to depart slightly from the silver snake print gladiator and go for these gorgeous silver shoes from Beyond Skin.Beyond Skin’s shoe line is completely vegan and they are known for their ethical business practices as well.

Moving on to the bottom right of the page-Adorable crocheted bag by Autonomie Project available at Nimli, wide black belt with faux croc print buckle- these are pretty easy to find just about everywhere. Had a little difficulty finding a slip with long fringe like HD’s but I couldn’t resist this vintage fringe dress, which could be done with or without the belt, from Robin Clayton Vintage. Add these patent peeptoes from Neauaura available at Shop Humanitaire and we’re set!

Finally, top right- HD’s edgy denim look made more animal and eco friendly with these almost booties available at Ragazzi Vegan, and fair trade, organic cotton jeans from Equa -find a sharp object and distress ‘em yourself if you must. As far as her top goes, it’s hard for me to tell what’s going on in the photo, so I’m going to let Hil really make a statement here and put her in this “Live Green or Die” tank from Alternative Outfitters.

Rounding out the accessories, I think HD would love this Black Kogan clutch by Matt and Nat. The black Azuri scarf from Nimli is organic cotton and comes in an amazing variety of colors.

And with that I must wrap up our little virtual shopping extravaganza. Hope you enjoyed it- I know I had a great time. Let’s do it again soon.

Cheers!

this all kind of goes back to something i was thinking about a week or two ago, when i was shopping for yarn.  i’m kind of a curmudgeon, and i have a tendency to dislike most people on sight for absolutely no reason.  as i was browsing sale yarn at michael’s, i started thinking about how this attitude of mine might be affecting the decisions i make around being compassionate, or how making compassionate choices can be something i do if i kind of really hate everyone.  this, in turn, got me thinking about what it might mean to be a compassionate person, what might actually go in to making compassionate choices.  is compassion simply a trait one exhibits?  is it an action one takes?  is it a choice?  is it a state of mind, or a state of being?  how does one become compassionate, why would one choose to be compassionate, and how can one really devote oneself to being compassionate?  when is a person being too compassionate?  here i am, writing for a blog about making compassionate choices, and i don’t even know what this word means to me or what place it has in how i feel about the world.  thinking about all of this, what compassion means… well, i could brush it off pretty easily.  i could view it as a pretty meaningless semantic argument, and i could shrug it off – when it comes down to it, we can define any word any way we want to, and we do, because different words have different connotations for each of us depending upon what our experience has been.  so, i could just go on doing what i’m doing and making whatever choices i’m making without giving it anymore thought.  though i’ve done some pretty stupid shit in my life, i feel pretty confident that i’m a decent human being.  what’s the use in dwelling on it?  still, i have been dwelling on it, a bit, in between freaking out a lot and calling or emailing people obsessively and throwing things around my room and being really angry and fantasizing about beating someone up.  it doesn’t feel like a meaningless argument i suddenly had with myself in my head one afternoon – it feels pretty significant.  it feels like there’s something out there in the aether i’m trying to grasp, but i can’t quite pin it down.  i don’t even know if ‘aether’ is the right word to use – i’ve spent most of my life being an atheist, and that, along with everything else in my life, is starting to shift (thank you, christopher hitchens, for being such a pompous ass), so, really, most everything i do lately reminds me a little bit of the one time my dog chewed up my glasses and i drove to the optometrist without them on my face (and i’m pretty much as nearsighted as they come, so i really can’t see shit without my glasses, and, obviously, driving without them on my face is probably the most ridiculous thing i’ve ever done, and please don’t tell my ex, because i really don’t want to have that conversation with him).

my life is changing.  i am changing.  not into someone completely different… i’m still me, but i’m shifting.  like i said, everything is shifting.  even though i think i have tried to be open to and accepting of this fact, i’ve also been pretty resistant to it.  i have held on to a lot of things, things i need to let go of, or at least come to terms with, if i really want to be open to and accepting of whatever changes i might be undergoing.  in the last week or two, it’s become pretty apparent to me that i’ve been carrying a lot around with me without even realizing it, and it seems maybe i’ve been preventing myself from being able to deal with change, or grieve for whatever it is i’m losing in the process of changing, because i’ve been so intent on being okay with everything.  but i haven’t really been okay lately, and whether i’ve been bottling up all the Not Okay intentionally or not, it’s having some detrimental effects.  i’m not really being the person i was, nor am i being the person i want to be – i’m not treating myself as compassionately as i probably should, and it’s impacting my ability to treat other people compassionately.  i’ve had a lot of difficulty, lately, being around other people without being in my head.  this is a bad place to be because, generally speaking, when i’m in my head, i’m doing more Thinking About Being than i am Being, which ultimately results in my being a neurotic, anxious mess.  being a neurotic, anxious mess is okay, sometimes – frankly, this is a part of my life.  no matter what steps i take to be less neurotic and anxious, i will always be a little neurotic and anxious.  always.  and i’m okay with the fact that, right now, i might need a little more than i’m able to give, because, well, everyone’s in that place at some point in their life.  but i feel like i’m slipping. i feel like i’m at a point where i can really get a hold of whatever it is i’m trying to grasp at and make some fucking progress, i have that ability, and i might even be close to doing it… but it’s easier to slip back into that anxious, neurotic mess, and so i’m doing that every time i get close to getting a firm grip on anything because it’s familiar and comfortable to be a mess, to be slipping, even though it’s not really what i want.

and this, friends, is why i am not moving back to houston.  ever.  i am never, ever moving back to houston.  never say never…  i know, i know… but, really.  Never.  Ever.  if i ever tell you i am moving to houston, do not believe me under any circumstances.  history has taught us that i always change my mind at the last possible minute, but also… i don’t want to move back to houston.  and it’s not about whether or not houston allows me to be the little pinko commie hippie i truly am, or whether houston has cool vintage shops, or whether houston provides appropriate space for me to be a silly little vegan, or if i can sign up for a goddamn CSA if i live in the heights.  it’s about the fact that this feeling that i’m slipping… this isn’t new to me.

i was bound to slip in houston.  i was set up to slip in houston.  you don’t spend your childhood living in fear of being beaten by your mother and also possibly molested by your step-father without slipping at some point.  and i remember being downtown, back when i was enrolled at the university of houston, and looking up into the sky, and thinking that those buildings, that skyline, that smog, those clouds, they looked just like a giant, gaping maw ready to crash down on me and swallow me whole.  yes, i was on hallucinogenic drugs at the time, but that’s not the point.  the point is, that city was a physical manifestation of everything in my life i hated.  the only way i was able to get myself to a place where i liked myself and felt positive about my life was to get the fuck out of houston.  getting the fuck out of houston is absolutely one hundred percent directly responsible for my being able to maintain any small semblance of mental stability or normality or health in the last five years.  while it’s possible i could go back there and have this life i want… and while there are people in houston i love endlessly and without reserve, whom i miss more than i could possibly put into words… none of that changes the fact that houston was bad for me then, and it would be bad for me now.  moving back to houston is something i want when my twisted little fucked-up brain gets into being sad and depressed, because i do love and miss people in houston, and i, in my unstable state, sometimes think everything would just be easier there because… why wouldn’t it be?  it’s not Here.  it’s There.  so it must be better.  it must be fucking delightful, and everyone there must love me, and i would never, ever be lonely, and no one would up and stop talking to me for what i understand to be ridiculous reasons and we would all hold hands and run through brilliant fields of marigolds and give out free hugs and snuggle and i would just be so fucking happy.  but that thing i want when i feel that way is a fantasy – clearly.  There does not exist.  the only place that exists is Here.  the reality is, if i can slip Here, in boulder, where the emotional baggage of being dropped by all of my friends is nothing, nothing, nothing to the emotional baggage of being abused and abandoned and made to feel like a piece of complete shit, then there’s no way in hell i can go back to houston and not slip.  i wouldn’t suddenly feel Right and Okay if i moved away because i still have to cope with everything that’s been happening, and coping with everything that’s been happening also means coping with everything that did happen, and, eventually, i would have to deal with the fact that houston is not this magical fantasy land where i would be happy but is in fact a real place where i’m still me and my life still happened just the way it did… and, after i moved home and the honeymoon wore off, all of this would hit me, and i would slip.  the way i’m slipping now would pale in comparison to the way in which i would slip once i moved back.  i am not willing to do that to myself.

whether boulder is the place for me… whether i end up being happy in denver after i move… it doesn’t matter.  i’m here. i’m here, and i’m a hell of a lot better off being here than i am being in houston.  i want to be the compassionate person i think i am.  i want to be okay with myself, and i want to be okay with my life, and i want to be kind to myself, and i want to be kind to other people, and i want to get up out of my twisted little head and back out into the world, and i want to go about the business of Being, and i want to stop disliking people on sight for no apparent reason.  if i want these things, if i really want to drag myself up out of that mess i am falling back into… i think i need to seize that thing, whatever it is, i feel flickering just at the edge of my perception, and that means i can’t go back.  i have to go forward.

When Gina asked me to attend and write up the launch party for the website Ecouterre at Kaight, a Manhattan boutique specializing in eco-friendly clothing, I was hesitant. I am woefully ignorant about matters of sustainability and eco-consciousness, having decided a while back that my personal share of environmental activism has been covered by the fact that I haven’t driven a car in fourteen years. In fact, the only thing I know less about than eco-consciousness is fashion. Recently a friend described my wardrobe as, “A mish-mash of men’s shoes, H&M blouses, Rachel Zoe-esque cocktail rings, and therapist shawls. But not in a good way.”  Thanks, friend! Nevertheless I agreed to attend, lured by the promise of free vegan cookies and Gina’s pledge to call me “scoop” for an indefinite period of time.

Ecouterre is a website devoted to “the future of clothing and textile design,” dedicated to “showcasing and supporting designers who not only contemplate cut, form, and drape, but also a garment’s social and environmental impact, from the cultivation of its fibers to its use and disposal.” Their launch party was held at the Lower East Side shop Kaight, which showcases “emerging and independent designers” who utilize organic, sustainable and recycled materials. Here are some of my personal highlights from the shop’s wares:

Yuka Yoneda, Ecouterre’s lovely New York editor, is modeling the Circle Cascade Necklace, which was being raffled off during the launch party. Sadly, I did not win this beautiful piece from The Andean Collection, makers of environmentally friendly and socially conscious fashion who employ fair trade principles with their artisans. The jewelry is made is from unique materials like acai seeds and tagua, and is available for sale through their website (www.theandeancollection.com).

In the background of this shot you can see stacked candles by A Scent of Scandal, a line of hand-poured, 100% soy-wax candles made by a Californian brother and sister team. I tried to get a photo of the disturbingly named “DILF” scented candle, but it didn’t come out, so you’ll just have to take my word for it.

It felt a bit stalkery to follow Ms. Yoneda around all night asking her to model things, so I had to awkwardly take a of picture myself in order to showcase this adorable hat by Stewart and Brown, makers of eco-friendly knit-wear (www.stewartbrown.com).

These vegan shoes are by Calico Napa and are sadly too rich for my blood at $345. Which is perhaps just as well, because I’m not certain how to wear them. With socks? With jeans? Something tells me that if I lived in Williamsburg, I would know the answer.

I wouldn’t wear these $99 dollar Melissa Joy Flocado shoes, but I’m happy that they exist in the world.

This $280 dollar Ashley Watson vegan bag would be my new work bag, in a world where magic fairies paid my cable bill.

These raspberry cookies by green caterers Rabbit Mafia were delish. I was sampling them when I overheard this conversation:

Boy Fashionista: “Did you hear Marc Jacobs is coming?”

Girl Fashionista: “Really?!?!!”

Boy Fashionista: “Well, his assistant.”

When the PAs of New York’s fashion elite start showing up at a party, it’s time for the Bevins of the world to skedaddle. If you happen to visit Kaight, I recommend you do as I did and head a few doors down to An Choi for an awesome Banh Mi sandwich (vegan toppings available). After dinner I walked past Kaight again to head towards the subway. The store had indeed filled with the beautiful and the eco-conscious, who were drinking organic cocktails and spilling out onto Orchard street.

I bid farewell to Kaight and gave one last, long, loving glance to these Joan Holloway-esque necklaces on display in shop. If eco-conscious fashion is wrong, baby, I don’t want to be right.